If I Fall
by Blue Crow
Summary: This is a song fic using the song Somewhere I belong by Linkin Park. Snapes girlfriend was killed in the 7th year, and he is wondering the earth without a purpose, but the sweet embrace of death will set him free. please rr


Note To Disclaimer: I don't own any of the Harry Potter characters, nor do I own this amazing song, so don't go saying I do!!  
  
[When this began]  
  
I had nothing to say  
  
And I'd get lost in the nothingness inside of me  
  
[I was confused]  
  
And I let it all out to find  
  
That I'm not the only person with these things in mind  
  
[Inside of me]  
  
But all the vacancy, the words revealed  
  
Is the only real thing that I've got left to feel  
  
[Nothing to lose]  
  
Just stuck, hollow and alone  
  
And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own  
  
Snape lay in his double bed, the covers pulled up to his neck in a heap, and his fist clutching tightly at the sheets. His heartless, obsidian eyes were staring up, unseeing at the black ceiling. His eyes too, had changed. There were many more lines stretching out from the edges and their spark had faded, to be replaced with dull clouds swirling with inexpressible pain and sadness. A few tears fell silently down his cheek, but he quickly closed his eyes, and tried to forget.  
  
Darkness followed. His lungs were slowly filling, he was drowning, alone, and no one would ever find him. His whole body was bound in burning chains. This was the end.it had to be.  
  
Reluctantly, Snape opened his eyes, and was greeted by the dim light of early morning. He shivered, pulled the covers close to his chin and rolled over on his side, hurtled back to reality by the harsh touch of winter. He stared longingly at where she had once lain. He lay on his back for a few moments, and closed his eyes. Flickers of her face danced across his eyelids. He frowned, wishing against all he knew, hoping he could make them go away.  
  
"You're making me go mad," he whispered. "Look, I'm talking to you - I'm talking to you and you're gone! I can't think. I get up to go and have a shower in the morning - then I find myself in the bathroom with no idea why. And I'll be thinking of something and then," suddenly he stopped, choking back tears, "Then I'll see something in the corner of the room and I'll spin around and - it'll just be a cloak, or the shadow of a tree." He swallowed again. "Then I'll forget what I was thinking about. I can't do anything anymore. I can't live without you, and your life was taken, all because, . of me" With these words he broke down and buried his face in his hands.  
  
I wanna heal  
  
I wanna feel what I thought was never real  
  
I wanna let go of the pain I've held so long  
  
[Erase all the pain 'til it's gone]  
  
I wanna heal  
  
I wanna feel like I'm close to something real  
  
I wanna find something I've wanted all along  
  
Somewhere I belong  
  
Flicking through a pile of dusty books, Snape sat on the floor of his chambers in darkness, his eyes red and swollen. Sometimes it was the happiest memories that hurt the most. Maybe it was because he knew, deep down - he'd never get to see that spellbound expression Cecilia held when she watched him read - he'd never ever see that dancing flicker in her eyes and that cheerful grin - he'd never feel those soft fingertips sliding gently down his chest - never again.  
  
Would it be better if he couldn't remember? Would it be easier if he didn't have to relive the happiest times over and over in his head? Would it be fairer if he didn't have to know he'd never get to experience them again? Or would it tear him apart, to never see her face - even in dreams?  
  
All he knew was that he was alone, like he had always been.  
  
And I've got nothing to say  
  
I can't believe I didn't fall right down on my face  
  
[I was confused]  
  
Looking everywhere only to find  
  
That it's not the way I had imagined it all in my mind  
  
[So what am I]  
  
What do I have but negativity  
  
'Cause I can't justify the way everyone is looking at me  
  
[Nothing to lose]  
  
Nothing to gain, hollow and alone  
  
And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own  
  
He slowly eased his eyes open, and realized where he was. A bottle of sleeping draught lay smashed next to his arm, the tiny pieces glinting in the moonlight.  
  
Snape blinked, and was suddenly in a different room. It was pitch black, and a smell of burning herbs filled his lungs. He found a light switch, and flicked it on. As the room was flooded with light, he clasped a hand to his mouth. There were papers all over the floor, everything was strewn around. Pictures were torn in two, and there was a red stain in the doorway, obviously blood. Snape gave a cry of anguish, and tears slid silently down his face. This was the girls dorm in slytherin house. Voldemort had just taken Cecilia to be tortured for information, all because of a certain death eater's lack of loyalty.  
  
I wanna heal  
  
I wanna feel what I thought was never real  
  
I wanna let go of this pain I've held so long  
  
[Erase all the pain 'til it's gone]  
  
I wanna heal  
  
I wanna feel like I'm close to something real  
  
I wanna find something I've wanted all along  
  
Somewhere I belong  
  
Snape was thrown back to reality, while his heart felt like it had been torn in two. It tore him to pieces, thinking that if she had never met him, she could have lived. He could even use a time turner to bring her back. But it was forbidden. No one could mess with the timelines. What happened, happened for a reason, although he thought bitterly, there could be no good reason for her to die. What good could ever come out of it?  
  
Then, he saw it. A knife lay shimmering on his desk. The tip of the blade was being licked by the strewn moonlight from the window. He was the reason she was gone. It should have been him that died.  
  
He slowly walked towards the desk, tears running silently down his cheeks. He reached out and grasped the smooth handle. "Forgive me"  
  
He slid the blade across his wrist, but didn't make a sound. Slowly, he sank to the floor, as the cloak he wore turned crimson.  
  
And with that, his eyelids fell closed and he rested, for once, without nightmares - and he could've sworn he felt someone kiss his forehead in the few seconds where he hovered between life and death.  
  
I will never know  
  
Myself until I do this on my own  
  
And I will never feel  
  
Anything else until my wounds are healed  
  
I will never be  
  
Anything 'til I break away from me  
  
I will break away  
  
I'll find myself today  
  
I wanna heal [heal]  
  
I wanna feel what I thought was never real  
  
I wanna let go of this pain I've held so long  
  
[Erase all the pain 'til it's gone]  
  
I wanna heal  
  
I wanna feel like I'm close to something real  
  
I wanna find something I've wanted all along  
  
Somewhere I belong 


End file.
